My Security Blanket
I'm not ready to let go even on warm spring days
Most mornings I awake in the dark to sit. Sometimes I wonder if it’s silly to go from a quiet sleeping unconscious state to a quiet sitting conscious state. In some ways, they are the same. In other ways, they are different.
I do perform a few human required actions and conditioned rituals before sitting - stretch and awaken spine in child’s pose, urinate, tongue scrape, brush teeth, splash eyes with cool water, drink water, prepare neti pot, sing to cat, pet cat if allowed, give cat treats. Only after these rituals are performed do I sit.
I open the door to the meditation room where my yoga mat, block and folded blanket prepared the night before await me. I once overheard a Plum Village nun say it was important to not rush the end of a work day and leave a mess.
I didn’t hear the full conversation.
So, I spend time every night setting my meditation space, the place I will sit to watch the world awaken in the dark morning light.
“The best way to take care of the future is to take care of the present moment.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
I’m not sure if it’s made a difference.
So, I spend time every night setting my meditation space.
Today is a chilly morning.
I wrap myself in the cozy fleece blanket waiting for me with its red mandala-like pattern bought for my reiki room when I lived in Alabama. It has a warm settling sentiment steeped in a more carefree, grounded and loving time.
Funny, it only feels more carefree, grounded and loving compared to these times. Back then it felt unsettled and in need of purchasing a cozy fleece blanket. I can see humans deep need to rewrite history.
Wisdom or suffering arise from the past once time and space has elongated, more life has been had. Life’s fleeting preciousness is felt as a reminder.
Yes, some moments held too tightly.
Yes, some moments blurred into forgetfulness.
Yes, some moments twisted into fears.
Yes, some moments glorified.
Yes, some moments imprisoned in pain.
I understand humans' deep need to rewrite history and believe it true as continually rewritten.
Does it matter?
The past is the past never to be experienced again as it happened.
“We must abandon completely the notion of blaming the past for any kind of situation we’re in and reverse our thinking and see that the past always flows back from the present. That now is the creative point of life…watch the flow of music. The melody as it’s expressed is changed by notes that come later. Just as the meaning of a sentence…you wait till later to find out what the sentence means…The present is always changing the past.”
Alan Watts
If the present moment is created from the past and the future moments are created from these present moments, then does it matter how the moments of the past are experienced in the present moment?
Maybe this is why I sit in the dark most mornings wrapped in a cozy fleece blanket. It warms a cold morning and protects in the dark morning light. A shelter to bear the elements till the storms roll through.
Once wrapped in my blanket, I open the window and take my place to sit.
I press my finger in the blanket’s small tear that I’ve not repaired. It fell victim to a rambunctious pit bull during my attempt to survive by dog sitting for strangers.
A fainting dog and my torn blanket made me reconsider.
Soon I’ll leave this cozy fleece sentiment for a cotton teal one that matches the lake with a faded line from being folded one too many times. It’s too cold today, but soon I’ll return to take my place by the lake.
I don’t know why, I never take my fleece there. I don’t think I’d like the sand to spoil it.
Isn’t that funny, the sand spoiling a fleece blanket?
Yet, I don’t mind a cotton blanket full of sand. I bought the lake blanket during a high intense yoga phase. I thought it would be the perfect cozy to replace my fleece.
It was not.
It was stiff and disappointing like intense yoga phases. Online it seemed perfect. In reality, it was a bit stiff and cold for me. At least, that is how I’m writing it in the present.
I do have a tendency to be stiff and cold at times. So I’m told.
I also have a tendency for intense burning desire phases. This I do know.
Now I ain't much of a poet
But I know somebody once told me to seize the moment
And don't squander it
'Cause you never know when it all could be over tomorrow
So I keep conjuring
Sometimes I wonder where these thoughts spawn from
(Yeah, ponderin' will do you wonders)
(No wonder you're losing your mind, the way it wanders)
Yodel-ay-hee-hoo! I think it went wanderin' off down yonder
And stumbled onto Jeff VanVonderen
'Cause I need an interventionist to intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
'Cause the very thing that I love is killing me and I can't conquer it
My OCD is conking me in the head
Keep knocking, nobody's home, I'm sleepwalking
I'm just relaying what the voice of my head saying
Don't shoot the messenger, I'm just friends with the
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed
Get along with the voices inside of my head
You're trying to save me, stop holding your breath
And you think I'm crazy, yeah, you think I'm crazy
Well, that's nothing
Eminem and Rihanna - “The Monster”
The teal blanket does the job to keep the sand from sticking and wind whipping. The stiffness is better suited for unknown wild open spaces. I even started to use it as an extra layer on my bed at night releasing the faded fold.
It must not be that disappointing.
Even stiff and cold blankets bought during intense yoga phases serve its purpose.
No, I’m not in a hurry to give up any of my blankets even with spring here. I prefer to wait a little longer till more storms roll through before sitting in unknown wild open spaces blanket-less.
